Pagans in the yard

Let's see where to begin...

Friday afternoon I came home from work to a raging bonfire in my backyard.  The guys I had hired to clean up ALL the leaves (no small task I assure you) had decided the best method of disposal for some of the larger branches was to burn them.  Well who am I to argue? In the contract they were responsible for any citations and...well...it smelled nice :)

It's a good thing my neighbors seem to like me...in fact, I am relatively sure, it was a result of this conflagration that my rear neighbor came over to talk to Megan.  

Fade in: Int. WALL HOUSE aka Little Versailles (pronounced ver sails, cause this is Missoura damnit)

MEGAN sits in front of the computer intently reading pinterest.  A knocking is heard from the front door.  Butter the dog goes ape-shit.

Megan, using all of her strength, pushes her self up out of the chair, struggling against her huge pregnant belly.  She curses under her breath and mumbles as she waddles to the door, one hand on the small of her back.

Megan pulls open the door to show a blonde woman in her mid fifties.  This is NEIGHBOR.

MEGAN:

Yeah?  What?

NEIGHBOR:

Oh, um, hi!  I am sorry to bother but my name is Neighbor and I live in the house behind yours.  Anyway, I noticed you were doing some yard work and I was hoping you could do something for me?

MEGAN stares back at the woman, she bends down and pulls open an old cooler grabs a Natural Light.  MEGAN cracks the beer and keeping her hand on her back tilts her head back for a long and deep drink of the beer.  She belches loudly.

Sweetly she asks:

MEGAN:

What is it?

MEGAN wipes the back of her hand against her mouth.

NEIGHBOR:

Um...well you see, there's this poison ivy that is growing over your fence and into my yard and I was hoping you could take care of it?

MEGAN:

Well sure!

MEGAN slaps the NEIGHBOR on the back and walks out of the house.  The two women continue walking towards the backyard.

MEGAN:

Come show me where the problem is.  I'll have my husband take care of it when he gets home.  He's awesome.  Have you met him? Of course you haven't.  He's amazing.  He can do pretty much anything he sets his mind to.  And he is just insatiable in the sack!  Imagine if a really gentle jackhammer got together with Ron Jeremy with the body of Christian Bale in Batman...that's him.

NEIGHBOR:

Wow! He sounds Amazing!

MEGAN:

Yeah I'm really lucky.

At this time, MEGAN and NEIGHBOR walk past 4 men in their twenties dancing around a gigantic fire...they are all dressed as satyr complete with horns and goat hooves.  The women both look at them but MEGAN doesn't break stride.

MEGAN:

Yeah, sorry 'bout that.  We found them on Craigslist...but they were super cheap

They continue to the fence-line where NEIGHBOR points out the poison ivy issue.  Megan crumples up the now empty beer can and throws it to the ground.  She fishes a cigarette from the front pocket of her sweatpants and lights it.

NEIGHBOR:

You see how it's coming over the fence

MEGAN:

Oh yeah, that is a problem

NEIGHBOR:

So it would be a huge help if you could get that down.  I'm sorry to ask but it's hard for us to kill from our side of the fence.

MEGAN:

Well, I won't be doing it

she pats her enormous belly

But I will have Puck over there take care of it!

NEIGHBOR:

Oh thank you so much

MEGAN:

Hey...not a problem...beer?

Fade to black.

So I wan't there but I am relatively certain it happened that way.  The parts I am unsure of I took a little creative license with; for instance, I don't know if Megan was wearing sweats or not but I went with my gut.

Anyway, the yard is free of leaves now.  And as a result I am now painfully aware of the tremendous amount of work I need to do to bring this yard back to life.

But the journey of a thousand miles...